I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
