I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
