If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
