It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
