The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Randomize
