My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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