It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
