So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I forget how to act sober
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
