Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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