just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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