I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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