dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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