Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
