his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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