dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
