This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
