i wish starbucks made bloody marys
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
