I used to practice getting hit by cars.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
