I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
