walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
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