you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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