i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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