Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
