I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
