that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
These tits shall not be calmed
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
