Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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