You're so nebulous sometimes
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
