Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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