i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
