pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
