I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Randomize
