I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I love you.
Bad choice
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
