I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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