I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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