my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
