You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
