Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
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