So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦â€
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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