pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
