dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
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