I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
