the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
