My friends, they love my intelligence
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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