My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize