I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
