the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
