Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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