my text book just quoted the cookie monster
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
