i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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