Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize