I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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