is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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