I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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