I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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