I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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