Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
