Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I need to calm my uterus...
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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