I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
