I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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