How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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