she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Randomize
