Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
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