How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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